A year ago

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I want to tell you a story that is a year old, one of which you already know the ending, but not the beginning. But it is the beginning that makes the ending so marvelous.

One year ago, I was late to our annual evening of parent-teacher conferences at school. I was late because the shirt I had planned to wear seemed to form an arrow directing everyone’s attention to my newly ousted belly button, so I spent a good thirty minutes throwing maternity clothes around my room and saying mean things about Eve.

But by the time I left the conferences three hours later, I was in a fantastic mood. All of my students that year were repeats, and I spent most of my time with their parents talking about my forthcoming baby and giving advice on writing college application essays. Every single meeting was pleasant and and full of good wishes. I drove home in my little SUV, constantly checking the rearview mirror to see the new carseat we had just installed. When I pulled to a stop to yield for oncoming traffic before turning right onto the highway, I noticed that some drivers seemed to be coming faster than normal. Then I remembered the horrid leg cramps I had suffered the night before, and stretched my calves, pushing my brake down hard.

And it’s a good thing I did that, because a car slammed into my bumper that very second.

At this point, my behavior stopped making sense. My mind kept saying, “PREGNANT. BABY. HOSPITAL. NOW.” Because of this mental clogging, I did some strange things, the first of which was to step out of the vehicle, at nine months pregnant, in the dark, on a busy highway, and proceed to check out the damage on my car. My hope was to confirm that the damage was minimal (or at least not threatening to my ability to operate the vehicle), wave the offending driver on, and drive myself to the ER, where I would allow myself the nervous breakdown that was right on the edge of my tear ducts.

As I was having these thoughts, the other driver emerged from the car and announced that he would not have hit me had he known I was with a child. He continued to yell this kind but bizarre claim at me while I dialed Ben, who was 45 minutes away, then my dear friend Jayne, who was two minutes away. She agreed to come to me, and she is responsible for every logical choice I made for the rest of the evening.

Several Good Samaritans rolled their windows down and offered to call ambulances. I noticed a funny smell, but I didn’t want to interrupt the PREGNANT. BABY. HOSPITAL. NOW. mantra long enough to place it. The guy who hit me asked if there was damage to my car, then asked if I was going to call the police. More people rolled down their windows, offering cell phones and concern. Jayne arrived and gently guided me back into my car, much to the relief of the drivers in the oncoming traffic, I am sure. A L&D nurse, or a merciful angel, stopped to give me a Capri Sun and talk me out of impending hysteria. I put my head down on the steering wheel and willed the baby to kick, to move, to do anything but the very thing she never did but was trying out then, which was being still.

Ben called, eager to hear me talk until he arrived. I had nothing to say except the words playing over and again in my head: PREGNANT. BABY. HOSPITAL. NOW. The offending driver tapped my window and offered me a scrap of paper with a phone number. He suggested I proceed to the hospital and get back with him about the damage to my car. Realizing the phone number could be completely false, I took it. If the damage was five cents or five hundred zillion dollars, it didn’t matter because PREGNANT. BABY. HOSPITAL. NOW. I thanked him.

Ben, who was still on the phone with me, told me to ask the guy to step away, then to roll my window up. I followed through, because the only person I trusted without explanation at this point was my baby’s father. And then Ben said, “Amanda, that guy is wasted. You need to call the police.”

And then my mantra of fragments was interrupted with a complete sentence: I am nine months pregnant, and I am the victim of a drunk driving accident, and my baby hasn’t moved for twenty minutes.

And time seemed to turn on that thought.

I hand the phone to Jayne, who calls 911, and we wait. And I beg God to wake the baby up, to remind her that karate practice always starts at 8:00 pm. Nothing. The policeman taps on my window to see if I’m okay, and I explain that I’m pregnant and just want to go to the hospital to check on my baby.

Mr. Drunk Driver is approaching again. Now that I can identify that smell, it is nauseating. I wave him on, and, to his credit, he keeps walking, albeit at a crooked pace. Another cop arrives, and Jayne, God bless her, jumps out of the car, points to me, and talks. The other cop approaches and takes my info. As I’m returning my license to my wallet, Jayne points to the guy behind us. “That guy is drunk. Are you going to do anything about it?” The cop assures us that he will, and as we pull out, I see the other driver exhaling into a breathalyzer.

We are in the car and moving. I am texting my mom and my friend Hannah. I am begging them to pray, binding them in promises to say my child’s name in front of Jesus.

We are in the hospital. We are lost. I am making jokes about my sense of direction, punching elevator buttons, ignoring the time, ignoring what is happening, hoping that my leveled blood pressure will cue the baby into thinking that things are normal and that she can resume the cartwheeling she had practiced all day. Nothing. Jayne and I find our way. I think of my mom when I approach Labor and Delivery. I remember how calm she always was when she had to handle one of our crises. I say, like my mom would, “Hi. I am registered at this hospital, and I was just in a car accident. I would like to find out if my baby is injured.” I don’t say, “Or worse,” but I think it.

And then, my kid elbows me, just below my belly button, where the imaginary arrow pointed hours before.

I don’t know just how Mr. Drunk Driver will play into the good tapestry of my life, as Jesus promised all things, including drunk drivers, would. I have some ideas, but I am sure that God’s goodness will overwhelm my pathetic attempts to turn it all to holiness and joy. I do know a few things, though: Every night, when I thank God for my baby and all of the funny and wonderful things she does, I remember that night. Sometimes I wonder why God let that man drink so much and get behind the wheel of a car and scare my sanity into fragility and weakness. But mostly, I don’t think of him. More often, I think of dear Jayne, and remember how she parked her car in the only available space and then ran a mile down the shoulder of the highway to make sure that I was okay. I remember the thumping of the baby’s heartbeat once we got her to be still enough for the monitor, and how the nurse laughed and said, “That wreck wasn’t even a blip on her radar,” before she offered me some ice. I remember thinking that the folks in Kentucky were so kind to roll their windows down and check on a lady in distress on the side of the highway, then laughing when I realized that they were probably worried that I would have the baby right there in the glare of their headlights. I remember that Ben, smelling like sawdust and varnish because he had been working on the baby’s furniture, helped me pull my hair up, which is hard to do when you are hooked up to machines. I remember Hannah texting me that she and James had stopped what they were doing to pray. I remember my mom being my mom, checking in with me once every few minutes, reassuring me. I remember that the next morning, at the baby shower with my co-workers, we thanked God for life, both the creation and preservation.

I remember kindness. I remember love. I remember good things. Good things! In the middle of some of the most hellish, infernal moments of my life,  I remember the kindness of friends and strangers. And those are moments redeemed. People, this is what the gospel means. It is true and good and vivid and happening. In the worst moments, God reaches down and makes things funny and beautiful and true and new and full of grace.

May we all look for ways to be agents of such a gospel. May we live looking for someone desperate, someone helpless, someone wrecked. May we move them to safety, remind them to breathe, and help them start toward home.

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7 responses »

    • IT WAS SO STRESSFUL. But you were and are a stellar friend. I am trying to think of a time when you were similarly stricken with fear and I was a calming presence. Maybe the Mango Mouth Incident? That was frightening and had a good ending. 🙂

  1. Seeing the big picture now, gives me a heart full of thankfulness, joy, and most of all a deep love for JESUS. Plus it cleansed my tear ducts. A testimony that Emmie will appreciated in years to come.
    Love my grands and great..

  2. I am practically bawling. Beautiful story. I have not met Emmie in person, but I can tell you your posts about her and her sweet little face in pictures has brightened my life. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I’m in tears. As a mother, as a victim of a recent car accident, but mostly as the recipient of some indescribable grace I am with you on every count! God is good.

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